Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Grief is like a wave

Grief is like a wave.
An ever changing wave.
In the beginning it is the constant push and pull of loss you feel.
Constant reminders around you of what could have been,
remember when she said this...
remember when we went there...
A tall, strong, constant wave that is always around.
You get used to the consistency of the ache
the hole that is left
but still
at the same time you can't believe that it happened.
That it's your loss.

Over time the wave changes.
It's there, but you don't notice the noise of it everyday.
When you stop and think about it you always know.
If you are still and listen you can still hear the constant wave.

A wave can catch you off guard.
You see someone who walks like them, Who has hair the same color
Or something in their mannerisms remind you
sometimes you can't even really put your finger on it.
A song or smell instantly taking you somewhere you weren't expecting to go right then
But there you are, caught up in the wave

It can be a soft wave, a calm remembrance of moments you shared.
But sometimes it's a strong over powering wave.
One that knocks you over.
You are blindsided by the strength of it.
It surprises you.
Not that it's there, cause it's always there.
But that it was so strong.
And you are left with raw ache that seems so fresh
so new, so tender.

Last night I was remembering my little sister Kelly.
And it caught me off guard.
I was ill prepared for the emotions that came.
From a simple statement someone else made about the sister relationship they see between their daughters.
Smack it hit me.
Right where it hurts.


Skye and Aaron said...

This is written beautifully.

Abby said...

That is really beautiful Rhonda. I feel like it should be published somewhere. You've managed to put your experience into words in such a way that not only expresses what you're enduring, but also can help others such as myself who have not experienced such an intimate loss understand those who have. I have 2 sisters to whom I am very close, and I cannot let myself imagine what it would be like to loose either of them, because the emotions are too strong. I am so very sorry for your loss and heartache.

KellyLady said...

Very beautiful Rhonda. And a big hug for you.

threecows said...

i miss her too.


Emily Murdock said...

Rhonda, my heart breaks that you have had to know such a loss in your life. Surely your sister is looking lovingly at you and your life and the amazing person that you are -- and she is proud of her sister.
It's a wound that will always be raw, I'm sure, but I hope that you will always have peace and comfort when you need it.
Love being sent your way, dear friend.

Carmen said...

I don't know if that loss ever goes away... It seems to lodge itself somewhere deep within, and the slightest things set it off... Some days are better, some are not. I too give you a big hug.

Heather M. said...

thinking of you, rhonda. my heart hurts for you and i wish i knew what to say.

whitney said...

I love you.
And I can't wait to meet Kelly someday.

Amanda said...

Thank you! That is exactly how I feel..only you are able to write it way better than I could ever atempt. Big hugs and kisses!

Crystal said...

That is a truly poignant piece of writing, Rhonda. Wow - I can feel your emotions and I haven't experienced anything like you have. ((( HUGS )))

You asked about shoeboxes - they were around at Safeway and a few other places at the end of October. I doubt that you'll find them anywhere but you can use regular shoeboxes too. I think the collection was last week but I'll send mine with Heather - she's working there starting tonight! If you can get them to Calgary, Samaritan's Purse will accept them for a few more weeks. I hope you can do them - it's great for kids to be involved in.

Amy said...

Aww man Rhonda, I'm sorry you had a rough day. I know you love your sister and miss her, and feel her loss often. I'm sure she is proud of her big sister and is watching from above. Hugs!


At first I thought this was some literary gem you were referencing. But to know it's straight from the heart, however broken it may feel at times, is inspiring. I remember working at the frame store when all of your sister's art came flooding in. That was an uplifting wave for everyone working there.

Lanie Ree said...

Yes, yes that is exactly what it's like.